Another day, another disappointing test performance. Every analyst has tried to discover what could possibly help Team India win abroad, but everyone has missed these creative ideas. Well, we haven’t.
Here are 6 foolproof ways for Team India to start performing better outside the country:
Declare CSK as the national team:
The current test match between India and Australia is unique in that, for the first time in years, there is no player from CSK in the XI. This is probably why Australia is dominating so entirely; CSK knows how to win, Srinivasan or no. If CSK starts representing India, we will start winning.
Export Sreesanth as the opposition coach:
We don’t want Darren Lehmann as the mind behind Team Australia; he has turned them into a focussed, fighting unit. What we need is the champion who taught the world that towels had other uses, the one man who can make Australians play for Team India, even while wearing the baggy green. We need Sreesanth out there. We’re fairly sure his schedule is open.
Sign on the rain Gods as the Captain:
The one person who has saved the face of the Indian test team time and again is the Rain God; He turns certain defeat into face-saving draws, and sometimes even invokes the magic of Duckworth and Lewis to eke out victory for Team India. With Indra Dev as the test captain and Chris Gayle as our T20 captain, who shall withstand us?
Change the rules of cricket:
The reason we lose and draw so many test matches abroad is simple – because the rules of cricket decree that, if you lose 20 wickets in a test match before overhauling the opposition’s score, you lose the game. All we need is our ICC President N Srinivasan to amend the rules such that falling short of the target means that you win.
Tell the Indian team it’s a T20 or ODI:
Fool the team into thinking that every over of a test match is the 20th over of a T20 match or the last 10 overs of a ODI match. The will automatically play much better as the Indian team is definitely a better limited overs team than a Test team.
Get the Media to help –
Get the media to focus on some important issues like how we can encourage our cricket team better, instead of showing us photos of Anushka and Virat snapped without their consent. Sports belongs on Page 22, not Page 3!